Summer Stressin’

Posted on by vividspaceship

During the all-encompassing misery that was the summer math course I was taking at Stanford, I had time for little else. I definitely didn’t have time to actually go out because I was too stressed about most likely flunking the course, depressed about not being able to easily pass or take such a simple math course, and sad about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Well kind of knowing, but doubting I would ever be smart or good enough, just in general, but also to do the thing I would want to do.

But I couldn’t tell if I really wanted to do it because I think I’ve been depressed for a while now, and so virtually sounds exciting to me anymore. I don’t want to much of anything really. Nothing I used to do makes me happy anymore. I don’t think anything actually makes me happy anymore, but I’m not sure because I don’t really remember what happy feels like. It doesn’t really matter though, because I’m too sad to want to do anything or see any of my friends. And I’m too anxious to talk to people about doing the things I want to do or even do them altogether. I’m too anxious to talk to professors or other students, or make other friends, or engage in other activities, or start new hobbies because I’m haunted by impostor syndrome and am afraid I will be terrible at doing the thing I want to do or will sound stupid talking to other people about anything and then just afraid I’m too stupid in general.

I didn’t have any energy to go out and do anything and I didn’t want to see people because I was fear-spiraling and didn’t want anyone to see how much of a mess I probably was inside.

I say probably because I tried not to think about how much of a mess I probably was either. I self-medicated with all five seasons of Angel and then all seven seasons of BTVS for the second time in my life. I don’t know if watching both of them gave me any closure that I felt I need from my first watch-through because apparently I was drunk for the entire first go-round of BTVS because I mis-remembered so many crucial and non-crucial plot points.

For example, I thought Giles died when HE NEVER DID. I’m mad. Where the hell was I for my entire freshman year of high school? Oh yeah. Ugh.

On the slightly sunnier side, I think I may have gotten an A in the summer course?? But I guess I’ll never know because I foolishly took it Pass/No Pass because I was terrified I would do dreadfully. To be fair to myself though, which is something I never feel the need to do, I had flunked every quiz leading up to the final exam. Our first professor indicated that our performance on these quizzes was to be a major indicator on how we would perform on the final and in the course as a whole.

I’m torn between hating and liking the course. I don’t think I hate it anymore, but at the time, before I started getting the material– which was, unfortunately, during the final week of the course–I was pretty miserable.

100% of our entire grade was contingent upon our final exam. That was terrifying. I can deal with, and even enjoy, 100% of a final grade being based on a single paper. I prefer that, even. But historically, I have not been able to place my confidence in final exams. Or even exams in general.

Usually, I work really hard on all the assignments before exams so I have a buffer for when I inevitably fail the final or midterm exam. I never learned how to take exams because the school I used to attend were very constructivist and if you did not want to take exams, you could choose classes that did not have exams.

I was one of many students who crafted my schedule that way. By high school, I was pretty sick of doing poorly on every exam I was forced to take. So as soon as I had completed all the general education courses the school required all students to complete, I dove into government & politics, religion, social studies, literature, and composition classes. All exam-free classes. I was a humanities king. Or at least I’d like to think I was. I wasn’t a straight A student, not until the end of high school, anyway. But I definitely enjoyed writing over exams, any day.

So. When it came time to take exams again, in college and in summer college courses, I was pretty screwed ill-prepared. I took a math class my senior year of high school even though I didn’t need to. I guess I’m a bit sadistic in that way. It must be a hobby of mine, flunking math classes, because I seem to keep taking them despite knowing what pain is in store for me and not needing to take them in the first place.

And there were exams in that high school math class, because it’s hard to assess one’s math ability in an essay, but they were few and did not count much. And the final was optional! No one had to take it! But if you took it, he would grade it and it would be included in your final grade, regardless of your performance. But I chose to take it anyway! Even though nothing in my math performance leading up to that final exam that year gave any indication that I understood the material or should take an optional exam on said subjects I was not understanding. But that’s me! Doing the unnecessary and painful just for kicks!

For the summer course, I could not opt out of that final exam. But I could opt to take the class Pass/No Pass, and with everything riding on that one final exam, I couldn’t bank on understanding all the material by the end of those 8 weeks. I knew I was getting some of the material, but I wasn’t sure it was enough to score higher than a C. So I Pass/No Passed that class. And I passed. But I don’t know by how much because the transcript just says CR which I believe stands or Credit Received. But that could also stand for Credit Refused or Rejected or anything else.

Not being able to know how I did is really bugging me, though. Not that the grade even matters, because my school wouldn’t put the grade I got from Stanford into my GPA anyway. They don’t accept credit from outside institutions to count toward my general education requirements or as part of my GPA. Outside courses are put as Pass/No Pass on my transcript anyway, regardless if I took them for a letter grade or for credit/no credit. So I figured I may as well beat them to the punch and just take the course Pass/ No Pass.

Bluh. But I don’t even CARE about that stupid math class. Sure, I feel a little bad that my parents may have wasted like $5,500 dollars on a summer course that my school won’t even accept, but I knew I wasn’t going to major in math. Not only that I wasn’t going to, but that I am unable to major in math. I don’t have the skill and I don’t have the prerequisites to take any college math classes and then finish that major in less than 5 or 6 years.

But who cares! I don’t want to do math anyway! I mean I wish I was good at it, or at least didn’t suck at it, but I wish I was better at a lot of things! Most things, actually. So does everyone. I think. But the problem arises when I think about the only thing that doesn’t sound like a shitty or miserable job. And that is screenwriting. I don’t fancy anything else, really. Maybe other forms of writing, but nothing so much as this. And I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I will be good enough at it to get to pursue it professionally. Or even do it in any form. I don’t think I can get into another school for it when I have nothing to show for my interest in it. I’m afraid I’ll be terrible at it and be told I can’t do it and then have nothing else I want to do and end up nowhere. I don’t think I’ll get a chance to do it, and I’m terrified it’s too late for me. I’m terrified I’m 19 and it’s too late to change the course of my life which was pretty much directionless to begin with.

More Completely Useless Thoughts on Buffy The Vampire Slayer that No One Would Ever Be Interested in or Read Ever

Posted on by vividspaceship

So I know I’m super late to jumping on the bandwagon for Buffy but come on, you gotta cut me some slack. I only seriously watched it just now, and then not so seriously 5 years ago while I was thoroughly distracted watching it at the house of a girl I really wanted to smooch. And I wasn’t capable of coherent thought then. Or even so much now, for that matter, but still. 

As John Mulaney expresses a similar sentiment about the movie Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) in his stand-up special John Mulaney: New in Town, I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a tv show that came out/began 18 years ago, but I wasn’t really a person/ capable of real ‘intelligent’ thought/ aware that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a thing/ a blogger/ a sardonic media snob back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been.

I don’t so much wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when the show came out, like Mulaney does, but that is almost entirely because I didn’t know what Def Jam comics were until I googled them a minute ago. Which is a pity, because I’m really getting into comedy and stand-up especially and if I ever get the nerve, I hope to join the improv troupe at my college, but I’m not sure if that will ever happen. I’m too nervous and anxious and shit at performing. I also am not particularly funny except to a few of my friends and I can’t trust them because they already like me so they don’t count.

But I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer which I’m now going to abbreviate as BTVS or just Buffy okay? Okay, good. And I really am distracted watching this the second time around by the fashion and my heartthrob/ing for Spike/ Buffy/ Spike+Buffy.

I really have a hankering for Spike’s boots and from my brief ADD influenced research, I have learned that a lot of other people have too.

But no one seems to be sure and I’m not about to spend more than half an hour looking so that’s it I guess.

More and most importantly, my research informed me that in order to keep Spike’s coat looking all slick and sweaty and like real leather, they smeared lube all over his coat. For however many seasons he wore that coat. That’s years of lube. Great gooey gumdrops…how did he keep wearing that thing?

Re-watching Buffy S5E18-S6E1: Holy Hell I don’t even remember this

Posted on by vividspaceship

  • Giles?!

Holy honeypots Giles is still alive?! I can’t believe it. I’m on the edge of the middle of my couch, freaking out about Giles’ impending death, but he just keeps kicking. He won’t die. I don’t think I’m disappointed but great gumdrops its season 6 and he’s still here. What mushrooms were I smoking freshman year? Answer: none, but I swear they drugged the desserts at school to keep us sedated.

  • Terra

You’re still here…aren’t you? Like Giles, you just keep on keepin’ on. Alright, I guess. You are a “person” again, though I hope I’ve made it abundantly clear I never felt you were one. You got your memories so…we’re basically back too square one. Shoo.

  • Willow the Witch

I didn’t realize it took Willow until season 5 to become useful as a witch. Retrospectively, I thought she was better at witchcraft way sooner than possible. Ah well.

  • BUFFY DIES WHAT

I DID NOT REMEMBER THIS. HOW DID I NOT REMEMBER THIS. I must have really been crushin’ on that girl hard in freshman year because somehow BUFFY DYING WAS COMPLETELY UNMEMORABLE. How- I can’t defend this at all. Really threw me for a loop there Joss. For the second time. I watched S5. Twice. I must have been reeaally surprised the first time because I was so thrown the second time around.

I have come to terms with the fact that, just in general- this doesn’t even have to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I only remember the most useless things. Like how one of my first crushes in kindergarten was a kid who I swear was basically Arnold from Magic School bus but his name was Scott and I only liked him because he brought a rabbit puppet to school everyday which he refused to take off and acted out different voices for. I had some great conversations with that boy’s rabbit clad right hand. Man. Good times. But ask me how to calculate the probability of something reasonable like your expected score on a test of 32 questions with 3 possible answer choices where you get 1 point for a correct answer and 1/2 a point for an incorrect answer and I’ll cry I swear.

Anyway.

  • Spike is so choice and I would love to ****************************************************

Ahem. I have a word doc of 20+ pages where I have pasted nothing but screenshots of spike in tasteful agony and disheveled distress. But it’s all very hush hush you know, so keep it quiet.

But really though, the second time around I’m reminded why I liked Spike so much. He is so unyielding in his care for the Summers’ women that it’s hard not to start admiring him or at the very least, not harbor a burning hatred for him. After all, Buffy’s reasons for hating him are pretty…weak? Especially at this point. I mean Angel is a bonafide murderer. And he has fucked up–and around Buffy too. Still, he has a soul so he’s in the clear in her book. But Spike never lived up to Angel’s blood soaked track record, not by a long shot. Yet Spike is still lumped together with Angel and Carla because he ran with them. And sure, Spike has done plenty of bad, but he’s done plenty of good, too. Most importantly, Spike does not have a soul and acts and feels more human than Angel. Well, maybe Angel acts pretty human in the respect that he feels the weight of his countless sins and can never repent, forced to spend his eternity is constant remorse. But that is his own fault. His bloodlust was legendary. Spike, not so much. You learn more about this in Angel but here is a good a place as any to bring it up because I can’t keep focused to save my life so I may as well go off topic in a text post with a specific point that I continuously disregard. But Spike was a poet. His last day on earth, the last day he has before he and the Angel gang go to meet certain death, he goes to a poetry reading to perform his poems. He doesn’t try to find Buffy and profess his undying affection. He doesn’t get drunk and do any damage. He accepts simplicity in the end, happy to go out not with a bang but a poem, one of his poems. That he has had centuries to work on. It had better be exquisite. Which is really unlike Spike when you think about it. He loved the glory and the gore and the grand excitement of love and lust and destruction. He loved the extremes. For him to settle his last day with no blood but his own…man.

Hahaha, am I a fan of Spike? Hahahah what ever gave you that idea? Is my fangirl showing? I talk about everyone else too. Here, let me speak you a thing about Angel

Maybe it’s because I can’t read any emotion on Angel’s face ever because there isn’t any, but you can really see Spike feel things when talking to Buffy and friends. You can see that he cares. In Angel, the show leads me to believe he must care because he keeps showing up and protecting Buffy, but I can’t see his feelings, and he doesn’t want to tease Buffy because he knows they can never be so he never says anything indicating his feelings either– after the whole I love you goodbye thing which really didn’t last long at all. So, fine. Angel gets 1 emotion point. But he’s only got like 2 points so don’t get excited. Spike has maybe 20+.

I have 20+ pages of screenshots of closeups of Spike’s face to prove his feelings for Buffy where he is: expressing emotions surrounding his love of Buffy, his fear of Buffy being hurt, Buffy-related confusion and surprise, just in some general anguish where he looks so good I could fry eggs on his pectorals and slice bread off his cheekbones.

For Angel…well I don’t have any photos of him because I actually don’t enjoy looking at him at all.

I don’t feel passion fueling Angel’s drive to protect Buffy the way I see it drive Spike. But I’m very biased, I mean I am 100% Team Spike and Buffy. But then in Angel I am 100% team Angel, because he is more than just brood and black boots and has actual thoughts he shares. When I say team Angel, though, I refer of course to Team Angel and Cordelia. Angel and Cordy. True love. I did so many tears for that one, kids.

Back to Spike: He is so much more of a person than Angel. Like my feelings toward Terra, Angel always felt to me a non-person. He was just brood and tragic teenage love personified. Which I love and truly enjoy in Angel, but which has no place in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Angel will sit at his desk, reading, brooding, desperately trying not to be happy–and for very good reason I might add–and everyone hounds him about it, trying to get him to leave his office, go out, meet people and find love or non-solitary hobbies and not brood when he is pretty content brooding and in fact should be doing it. Angel needs a little brooding. And I just resonate so much with Angel at this point. Angel is just one long episode of his backstory and it’s excellent because he finally is a person and more than his hulking guilt he exclusively exuded throughout Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

I think Angel’s mantra will always be: I am miserable and I always will be. But in Angel, that mantra is a tastefully planted underlying theme, whereas in Buffy the Vampire Slayer it is the only thing that comes across.

Oh right, real quick Angel note in Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

  • Angel.

Dang he was so lanky at the beginning. Gosh I go back and look at S1 and S2 and goodness he’s so skinny and such a bambino. I just salivate thinking of all the misery that awaits you, you teen angst ridden, sanctimonious sod. Just you wait.

I also have learned in writing this post that I should not write these directly in the wordpress text box because sometimes when I press backspace, we go back a page or two and I feel the sad emotion at all the useless and superfluous words I wrote but lost, but also that I expended so much time to write those words about a long dead show in the first place.

But I knew that. I’m just lazy and care, not enough apparently, to make sure I don’t lose my rants.

I also learned I really love run on sentences and redundant amplifying words like ‘very’ and ‘really’, but also ‘especially’ and ‘but’ and ‘and’, I quite enjoy starting sentences with ‘and’ or ‘but’. I write how I speak because it’s fun and I can’t do it anywhere else but here because just look at this I mean come on it’s a mess. I blame social media sites. They changed my syntax for the worse in terms of formal writing, but for the better for joke telling. Maybe. I love run on sentences in stories and jokes and online video. Talk fast and don’t wait for me to keep up with all your short sentences with their stopping and starting and commas. Leave out all the punctuation and pauses so I have room for all my fun unnecessary amplifying words that let me pry my words right out from between my teeth where they slither out of my fingernails. Breathe.

Oh yeah, I had a point  to this post, once. Buffy. Yeah. I lost sight of that a while back. I’m sure I’ve said I have trouble keeping track of things like my thoughts and socks and keys but my thoughts especially…or did I just write that in my head? I don’t know if I ever talked about the way my thoughts have thoughts which spiral and branch out into more thoughts until I’m spinning twenty different tales at once and I cannot remember which ones made it onto the page or out of my mouth or anywhere at all.

Things just get caught up there and won’t stop bouncing around until I get them out. Or forget them. Or they escape out through my ears and into the air above my head where I try to catch them but they dissipate before I can add the jello mix and get them to congeal again between my ears.

Oop. ADD kids. Welcome to hell, meatbags.

Re-watching Buffy S1-S5E17 : Things I forgot that really shocked me the second time around

Posted on by vividspaceship

Okay so this whole blogging about each every episode of Buffy thing really isn’t working out like I thought it would. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t have high hopes for achieving that goal in the first place, but still. I kinda slacked on this idea.

Regardless, I do have some thoughts I can set aside considering what I’ve just watched.

Namely, I learned that re-watching 7 seasons of Buffy 5 years later was kind of a bad way to go about things. I keep finding myself trying to guess what happens next by piecing together slivers of what I remember of the show. Some things just really weren’t memorable.

Like, for example:

  1. Buffy’s mom.

-Holy hell, she was in 5 seasons?? I mean she wasn’t really in the 4th season, but she still managed a few appearances. But man, I remember her in the first season, but for 5?! Where was my mind??*

*To be fair, though, I did watch this show the first time with the girl I was super in love with because she was watching it. I was pretty distracted the first few seasons when we were watching together. I started watching it with her as a way we could hang out, but then I really loved the show and finished it so oops.

2. Buffy’s mom dies?

-haha, what? She died? I only remember her being in like 1 season though, so maybe that’s part of why I forgot this, but I don’t remember her dying at all. I thought that Buffy and Joyce always had a strained relationship and so once Buffy went to college, they just didn’t see each other anymore and maybe Buffy moved out or something but they never spoke again.

3. Dawn is in so much of the show oh my god just leave already.

-Again, I only remember her in like less than a season and I thought it was later, like season 6 or 7?? She was annoying as heck then, and she’s annoying as heck now. I still can’t stand her and I can’t wrangle up a single cent of sympathy for that whining entitled brat. Buffy does not have the attitude problem or obnoxious habits Dawn has–I’d like to give Buffy’s mom a little more credit and assume Joyce would do a halfway decent job of raising her other kid. Even if Dawn wasn’t really raised by Joyce or anyone for that matter, she was given the stock memories of a kid raised by Joyce and as a mom, Joyce was not so doting. She would not have raised such a selfish kid. Then again, Dawn wasn’t actually raised by anyone so I guess you can attribute her insolence to the fact that she’s 6 months old. Still, I’m not a fan. Boo hoo you’re young and beautiful and probably immortal and get to live an exciting life. Kids are adopted all the time. Get over yourself.

4. Willow and Xander never actually get together.

-What?? I have vivid memories of them actually being a couple for some reason?? I mean I know they hooked up and cheated on their significant others, but really?? Never? And then I accepted that it never happened but I can’t figure out why they never got together. It wasn’t clear to me at all, like I get the Willow cared about Oz, but Xander and Willow loved each other?? I don’t know. I still don’t get it. I thought Willow cared for Xander over Oz and that Xander cared for Willow over Cordelia. They made that pretty evident when they completely betrayed their significant others to continuously hook up with each other behind Cordelia and Oz and everyone’s backs.

5. XANDER AND CORDELIA??

-I guess in the long run this isn’t so important because Cordelia’s gone by what, then end of season 3? 4? But I completely forgot this. It really threw me when I went back and watched this happen again. It was completely unmemorable and still, I just…no recollection. Not even a little bit.

6. Really anything about Xander other than that he’s really poor.

-My god, we’re on season 5 and Xander is still a thing?? They brought it up before in the show, what Xander is actually contributing to the team, but they never actually came up with anything. So he’s “clocked more field time” than any of the people on the Watcher’s Council, but that’s not the point of the Watchers. They never claimed to do field work, that was not their point. They had a point, a clearly defined, centuries old and established point: to support the slayer outside of field work. And that was imperative. Just look at Giles, Buffy needed that man for everything. He was her father, her teacher, her trusted mentor, her colleague, her aid in times of extreme peril. He was so important to her success. Sure, she wasn’t fond of Wesley, but that was one Watcher out of many. And the head of the Watcher’s Council was pretty uptight when he came to visit, but Buffy had been breaking all the rules that Slayers and Watchers adhered to for centuries.

7. Giles is still alive praise the lord hallelujah gbless in S5.

-I remembered Giles death vividly. Not how he died, but that he did, and I remember crying so hard through that episode (whenever that is). Maybe because it was so traumatic for me, but I remember it, and I remember it happening really early on?? Somehow the order of events got confused in my head that he died like season 3 or maybe early season 4? Every episode I see him I keep getting scared because I know we are getting closer to Giles’ impending death but I don’t know how or when it’s coming so I’m just on edge and terrified that every time I see him it’s going to be the last time. GILES DON’T GO!

8. Buffy and Willow and none of them I don’t think finish college??

-I don’t remember what I thought happened instead, but I thought they graduated or at least hadn’t finished by the time the show ended. Christ, I really wanted to know what Buffy and Willow would have majored in. I can’t believe I thought they stayed in school…

9. How much of a non-person I feel Terra is.

-I love Willow and I love the fact that she’s no longer with Oz because dang that went on too long. I thought Oz and Willow being together lasted 1 season maximum, but then it just kept going?? And I still don’t understand their relationship at all and why Willow was into him. She loved Xander and sure he wasn’t reciprocating those feelings at the time, but Willow was feeling them and I don’t know, I didn’t think she could really commit to a relationship with someone else when she was clearly having feelings for someone else?? I know I can’t. But Terra really doesn’t feel like a person to me?? I don’t see when or how Willow and Terra even became close friends in the first place. Their friendship was entirely based off of Willow being interested in magic and Terra being the only other person Willow has met that recognizes magic exists and practices it in the tiniest bit. I don’t see the spark in Terra that makes her something more than just a witch that likes to hang out with Willow. But I can see why Terra likes Willow, right? Willow is kind and brilliant and an impressive witch. But Terra is…? A bit of a witch? Pretty? Though I don’t think Willow was into Terra for such a shallow reason as aesthetics. And Willow didn’t know Terra was gay, I don’t think Willow knew Willow was gay at the time, either. And you never see them have that conversation–the one where they talk about what the hell is happening in their friendship to where they have more intimate sleepovers than your average college girls. Because that conversation is very important and I would have really loved to see them fostering some healthy communication because everyone needs to see people forging healthy relationships with strong communication. I could have really used that in high school with the girl I was sort of not really with where we would hook up for 4 years and then never say anything about it after each sleepover because neither of us knew the other’s orientation and didn’t want to learn the other might be straight and didn’t know what the other wanted and it was HORRIBLE and my god seeing Willow have that conversation with Terra would have made me respect both of them a lot more for being adult enough to talk about their feelings. Sure, things “just happen” but you can still have a similar conversation after the fact about what the other person wants and likes in life and other people.

Wow okay that’s enough. I have a lot of Willow and Terra feelings. I know they love each other and I love Willow and I’m glad she’s happy but everyone she’s ever had a crush on has been a disappoint to me as a character and I feel like Willow deserves someone much better–someone how understands and can be crucial to plot points and aid in conflict resolution in the show and not just kind of stand by and poke at the ongoing problems, offering slivers of comforting words that don’t really do anyone any real good.

Why We Capture All Our Thoughts in Writing and With Online Video

Posted on by vividspaceship

“What is it with this generation feeling the need to document everything?” –A lot of adults in 2010 probably.

I know this notion was brought up in Easy A by Emma Stone’s cynical teacher, but it was a point raised by many adults long before that movie came out. To be honest, there isn’t a real one-shot answer I can deliver because I’ve only got my own experience which is typically atypical.

But if I try to answer it in a sentence…it’s because we can?

The Writing Bug

Posted on by vividspaceship

I realized something the other day:

If I’m in front of my computer, I’m never not writing. And it gets really bad in the summer. When I’m on my ADD meds. If I have my computer in front of me–the only thing that can capture my thoughts almost as fast as I think them–then I will be writing something.

Something sort of similar happens when I’m alone with my camera/phone, but I tend to get more easily distracted and not talk about the things I actually want to talk about because I start rambling. I do that here too, but I like being able to edit myself so much more quickly with writing. With video, sure I can edit it later, but that’s long after all the material is “written”. I can go back and film, but it’s not the same. Maybe I’m no good at it, which is true, or haven’t had enough experience with it, also true, but I can’t as easily or as happily go back and film the thoughts I remember I wanted to add.

Why is this important? Why am I writing about this? I forgot. I’ve got 9 other documents open that I’m writing different things on. Maybe I’ll come back and talk about this again when I can think of why this was suddenly so important for me to write about.

Another Cynical Buffy Blog

Posted on by vividspaceship

Amidst one of my many existential crises, this time with someone I had gone to high school with but never actually talked to, I ranted about the uncertainty of my future and what the hell I was supposed to do with my life (a.k.a. what I should major in). He told me that I should consider being a critic which I found/still find to be a hilarious notion rich with absurdity and mirth. I never thought I had anything particularly new to contribute to the void of millions of people’s criticisms and complaints. After all, someone has probably already thought what I’ve thought and said what I want to say. But perhaps I might not weasel my way out of forming my own opinion like I feel I have done for the past 19 years of my entire life–citing other people’s critiques and what they would think, rather than forming my own and spitting it out past my own teeth for others to actually witness.

So here we go? Except, I’m doing a shoddy job of this. That’s the plan, my defense mechanism for protecting myself and my stupidity from actually accepting any criticism of my criticism: the disclaimer. This is going to be shit. And to prove this, I’m not even starting at the beginning. We are “officially” starting over halfway through season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because fuck me–when have I actually been able to start something and actually finish it? Maybe if I don’t start at the beginning, somehow I will be able to finish this thing because god knows that’s how these things fucking work.

But I have such a problem finishing things and staying focused so this blog will probably also be other things like my general complaints about life and the like.

And if I have not yet proved how shit I am at doing things all the way through, we aren’t even going to do every episode. Probably. Who knows. But I doubt it. I would like to, but I watch too much Buffy on my phone in my bed at 4am to write after each episode. On my current schedule, I usually get through just under a season a week. My timetable will probably change if I start writing, and if I were to write after each episode holy hell who knows what my new schedule will look like.

So this is going to be a shitshow.